When Your Coworker Cries
What We Don’t Talk About: Tears At Work
Almost a decade ago, I worked with someone who drove to the office early. She would then spend about 15 minutes crying in her car.
She wasn’t crying from relief or joy. Nor was she going through some very difficult, life-altering experience in her personal life, like dealing with the death of a loved one.
No, she was simply dreading entering the office.
Dreading - to the point of tears. Actual sobs.
On a good day, her supervisor was hard to work with. And most days were not good days.
Behaviors
Some of the behaviors her supervisor engaged in:
Disparaging comments about her work
Missing meetings
Demanding her presence in unscheduled meetings
Raising their voice
Passive aggressive comments about the clothes she wore
Lying - possibly related to their own, undiagnosed health condition - there was plenty of gossip around the office, of course…
And all of this happened routinely over the entire time she was employed at this location.
This coworker was a lovely colleague. She was friendly, open to collaboration, a hard worker, and shared candy and laughs around the office. She also happened to be parenting kids who were older than mine and I remember valuing her parental advice, too.
And even if none of that had been true: She did not deserve to be treated this way. No one does.
Ultimately, she chose to leave the organization. She was truly great at what she did and it was a real loss to the company - and to our small, close-knit office.
At the time, I was not a mediator - no one paid me to help them resolve conflict. And, especially for this particular conflict, I probably would not have known how to start!
Who Is to Blame?
Today, I have LOTS of ideas of ways to improve this precise situation.
The truth is, it would have been best for the entire company if the supervisor in question had voluntarily left - but that’s not what happened. I remember thinking, “Good for you!” when I found out my colleague was leaving, because no one should have to deal with the level of harassment and disrespect she dealt with.
I posted about this recently on LinkedIn and was surprised by the number of people who either said that they have experienced something similar or have observed others dealing with similar conduct - being treated so incredibly disrespectfully that crying on the job was a typical occurrence. One comment stated that everyone on her team used to cry at work due to a terrible supervisor. No one should have to deal with that level of stress. Period.
There are two things about situations like these that worry me:
That the supervisor’s peers and organizational leaders either don’t notice the behavior or believe it’s ok;
That too many people like my former coworker start to think they are the problem - or perhaps worse - are TOLD they are the problem and they need to “be coached,” “buck up,” “grow a thick skin,” or “learn to tough it out.”
None of those phrases or worthless suggestions are ok. The supervisor was the person at fault here.
(Of course, any coach worth their salt would help an employee understand that, too, and likely help them realize they need to move on to better things.)
So What Do You Do?
Today, if I were called in to mediate a situation like this, I’m confident that I would be able to help the person being harassed to recognize that they are not at fault in any way. I would absolutely work to make the supervisor understand the ways their behaviors hurt their supervisee, and discuss ways to change their behavior. I can easily imagine myself contacting HR or the business owner to explain that it’s the supervisor who needs training, coaching, and possibly (likely?) disciplinary action.
Part of what makes people so uncomfortable with conflict is that it can feel full of unknowns. Will the supervisor yell and scream? Will you be insulted? What will happen if you opt not to ignore and try to face the disagreement head-on?
Mediation brings structure to conflict conversations.
But it’s not just mediation that can serve the people dealing with conflict - whether you’re like my former coworker, crying in the parking lot, or whether you’re observing other kinds of conflicts on your team.
Conflict Consulting
Our newest service is Conflict Consulting.
Imagine entering an office or online meeting with your team where people are genuinely happy to be there, interested in the topic, and feel safe and free to brainstorm and disagree respectfully.
Imagine the innovation that could be unleashed when you know your employees can safely disagree and bring in new ideas without fear of disparagement - you might see:
Quicker product development times
Higher customer service ratings
More sales
A lower annual turnover rate
Positive brand recognition and engagement across all your social channels
For the empathetic leader who recognizes their peers and employees may not always treat each other well, hiring a Conflict Consultant can mean:
An on-call conflict pro who will be a sounding board and advisor for:
Front line staff,
Middle managers,
Executives,
Team leaders,
Potentially - Every employee no matter their department - IT, customer service, product creation, sales, marketing, administrators, and everyone else.
Imagine being faced with a tough conversation and being able to just pick up the phone and call someone to talk it out - someone who is external to the organization, keeps everything* you share confidentially, and who is highly skilled at resolving conflict.
Hiring a Conflict Consultant can mean:
Providing another resource for managing people squabbles to your stressed out team;
Having a skilled professional guide, edit, or write a policy on how your organization handles conflict;
Inform managers about how to recognize signs of conflict;
Increase overall levels of empathy throughout the whole organization - simply as a result of having people on staff experience empathy from a skilled professional.
I’m very excited about our new Conflict Consulting service! If you’re curious about it, let’s talk.
*I follow mediation guidelines around ethics. Information about violence, threats of violence, or criminal activity will not remain confidential.